[26] to give up (but not really)...

Day 26:  Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Life all together, no. Never. The closest I ever came was craving escape. Just leaving everything and everyone behind. I had gone through an incredibly tough time - sorting through my past and realizing what made me and shaped me was not necessarily a good thing, but I was strong enough to take the bad and make it good.  

Unfortunately in order to turn it around, I had to leave some relationships behind. But it was the ones that were pulling me down, and I was not strong enough to pull myself up while attached to those relationships. And unless you have experienced it yourself, I think it's impossible to understand.

And it was that very lack of understanding that made me want to flee. Because I didn't know how to put into words what I was feeling. Because for someone that has never experienced that level of pain and hurt and collapse there are. No words.

But once I worked through my own grief and mourning, I found my words again. Too often fingers were pointed my way. I got the whole "I'm praying for her" routine. Because obviously working through my past and cutting unhealthy relationships means I'm Hell bound. 

But how many people can one person finger before realizing that finger is pointing in the opposite direction? I don't know. I do know, slowly but surly, the cracks are being revealed. Eventually there will be no choice, but I wonder at what cost. And that is the exact reason I took the steps I have. The pain, though great, is far less than what it would have been had it been allowed to fester. Mmm, that's a tasty description...but not really.